Defying Expectations

Here is the story of Our Little Ugly Tree

This tree was given to us on the way to the bin, from a neighbor family.  It was in pretty bad shape when we got it.  I have no idea how old it is, but has certainly seen it's fair share of curious toddlers, and weighted decorations.  The years of it springing out of the tub after 11 months of being squished into storage are long gone.

Each year the poor tree would be victim of tear streaming, teeth grinding, cussing of an exasperated  mother trying to get the little metal twists to jam into the worn out holes in the wooden pole.  Then it would seemingly on purpose lose it's balance in the make shift stand made for a 'real' tree, and we would start all over again.

So after the limit of my frustrations one year, I realized that this joy-giving activity was actually resembling an emotional crisis event.  My attempts at having a special Christmas moment was turning into a scarring one.  With guilt being unbearable and thoughts of declared deserving of a proper tree,  I told the kids that I was getting a new one.  To my shock, my son with glistening eyes, refused.  He would not allow us to let go of the tree, no negotiations, no discussion, just no.  I tried to explain the hardship and pains of putting the damn thing up and how ridiculously ugly it was.  He wouldn't budge.  So I was caught in the ever lovely parenting position of choosing between chocking down my own frustrations with continuing the pain filled process of tree decorating, or defying this boy's plea for life on behalf of an ugly plastic tree.

It was then the angels of Christmas descended on us with a carol of
"F-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ahk it" ...

So - we decided to have an Ugly Tree.  We let it be what is was, ugly, decrepit, lopsided and worn.  The laughter and joy we have had in celebration of it's authenticity has been shocking, as we roll up the garland and throw it at the tree.  It is our fluid art piece - whenever we feel like it, we grab the garland and give it a good hearty toss.  I like to imagine the tree laughing with us in the play.  We have fallen hopelessly, achingly in love with this symbolic piece of our home's heart.  Ugly and holding all of our frustrations of expectations, and giving back to us the permission to find the pure joy in letting things be as they are.

Expectations are a way to forfeit responsibility 

Expectations others have of us, are about their own inabilities to fulfill their desires for themselves.
It is not for us to fulfill.  The same is for us, when we put expectations on others - we have no right.  It is our responsibility to find our own ways to fulfill the way we want things to be realized, and invite others to partake or not.  And!  When we put expectations on ourselves, we are only trying to live up to some outside measurement of how we think things should be, instead of claiming the way we want them to be.

We must replace expectations with invitations,
taking responsibility for the results we want,
meanwhile being people of our word.

So send invitations to others for what you would like to receive from them.   Give them the grace to respond with freedom to choose and manage their resources as they see fit for their own lives.  Likewise, gracefully, accept or decline invitations that you receive, especially if they come in the form of expectations.  Meanwhile ... give yourself a break ... and maybe even an Ugly Tree.

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Journal Questions

~ Have a look at your own December :
     Is it 'Christmas' to you?  Do you want it to be?
   
~ Think about those things that you feel you must do for the season.  Reclaim their power.
     Do you believe in the activity?
     How could you do it in a way that suits you better?
     Are these things dependent on others or can you create your own?

~ What are some things you need to send out as invitations rather than expectations?
     How can you make the decline still good for you?

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